


Bittersweet

by Shadowgirlx



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Love Letters, M/M, Songfic, Temporarily Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-29
Updated: 2016-07-10
Packaged: 2018-07-19 02:26:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7340902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowgirlx/pseuds/Shadowgirlx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How is it you never notice. That you are slowly killing me.</p><p>Simon. Never had Raphael ever seen anything as beautiful as Simon standing there in a golden suit, hair perfectly tousled. Never had Raphael ever seen anything as devastating as Simon's face of shock and pain from his position beside the altar. Never had Raphael been more scared.</p><p>There amongst the silence he heard the unsteady beat of Simon's heart as there eyes locked.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Not like she could.

**_Feeling used but I'm, still missing you._ **

It had been 5 years. Only 5 years since Simon walked out of The DuMort. And since then he had never come back. Ever since that day part of Raphael had died again. He was no longer the same man. 

Dark circles rimmed his eyes from where he could never get any sleep. His mouth had gone slack, no longer holding it's signature smirk and his voice continued to crack and break as he became quieter and quieter. But worst of all, to Magnus' and Lily's dismay, slowly he was getting thinner and thinner. Cheekbones becoming more sunken in, his strength becoming frailer and frailer and his ribs, along with his spine, starting to show.

_**And I can't see the end of this... Just wanna feel your kiss, against my lips.** _

Simon Lewis broke him. He played with him until he was bored. Raphael couldn't blame him for that. He should have known he couldn't have given Simon what he wanted. What he yearned for. Not like she could. 

But no matter how many times he tells himself it's okay, he knows it's not. It's not okay to love a man you can never have. It's not okay to be weak and helpless. It's not okay to let him go. It's not okay to keep Simon from happiness. He thought for a while that he could survive his mental torture so Simon could be happy but he knew he was just fooling himself. 

**Now all this time, is passing by. But I can't seem to tell you why, it hurts me every time I see you.**

Over the past year he was called to The Institute more and more. After The Mortal War Shadowhunters and Downworlders had drawn close together thanks to Clarissa Fairchild. She had become a hero in the Shadow World along with Jace Herondale, Isabelle Lightwood, Alec Lightwood (who was surprisingly still with his old friend Magnus Bane) and Simon. Simon...

He was in his room at The Hotel when a rather flustered Lily suddenly came in.

"Raph Raph look what I found!" She had said, waving a golden embossed envelope with elegant cursive on the front reading: Raphael and The New York Clan.

Raphael took the letter from Lily's grasp, hesitating before beginning to open it. He really didn't have much else to lose. Lily plopped herself down next to Raphael on his bed before fussing over the letter. He knew what she was thinking. This was the first official Clan letter in months and she was most likely hoping that it might distract Raphael from his pain for a while. But he couldn't bear to tell her that nothing ever would.

"What does it say?" She squealed over excitedly as he began to rip open the letter.

He just ignored her attempt to alleviate his visible pain until his undead heart froze up in his chest. A familiar scent wafted towards him which he recognised immediately. Caramel. No it couldn't be. Could it? After all these years...

**_Realise how much I need you._ **

There infront of him lay an elegant card, decorated with silver and gold. Every word hit Raphael like a sucker punch to the chest. Drops of blood streamed down his face as he began to read it out to an ever so unsettling Lily.

_~_

_Raphael and The New York Vampire Clan are cordially invited to the wedding of..._

_Simon George Lewis and Isabelle Sophie Lightwood_

_Saturday 16th of July, Central Park 8:30pm_

_~_

No. No this couldn't be happening. Not to him. Not now. Not with a shadowhunter. Not tomorrow.

Slowly and calmly he lowered the note into his lap, allowing it to get drenched in blood. He didn't care if he was crying, he'd lost everything anyway. He'd lost all he ever wanted. 

He felt a pair of comforting arms wrap around him as he sobbed. Lily had no idea how Raphael felt but she had never seen him like this. A mess. She knew he wouldn't believe her but as his crying quietened she whispered into his ear. 

"You've found the love that tore down the walls around your heart. Now go out there and fight for it."

Little did she know Raphael heard her.

 


	2. The little things.

_**I hate you, I love you. I hate that I love you.** _

His undead heart began to race as he pressed the buzzer. It was 2 am on the day of Simon's wedding and he had gone to speak to the one person who could have any hope of helping him now.

"Who dares disturb The High Warlock of Brooklyn?" Boomed Magnus out of the speaker, unaware of who his visitor was.

"It's me." Raphael choked out, wavering slightly. He was internally disgusted at how weak he sounded.

A few moments later he heard the line cut out and the door click open. Slowly he stepped up the stairs and paused outside Magnus' apartment. Inside he could just pick up fragments of quietened conversation. 

"Alexander... I think that..."

"No it can't be... is that why..?"

Before Magnus could reply Raphael decided to burst in through the door. But instead of being met with looks of shock or disappointment he was met with expressions of concern and pity. He usually hated being pitied. But he didn't have the energy to argue.

"Rapha. What is it?" Magnus asked, gradually approaching him, making sure not to scare him. Alec stayed back.

Raphael couldn't speak. He had hardly any willpower left. So with the bravest face he could muster (which wasn't as convincing as he had hoped) he placed the bloodstained and crumpled invite in Magnus' hands before slumping on the couch. After a moment of silence tears threatened to drip down his cheeks when he felt a strong hand on his shoulder. He lifted his head to find Alec looking at him face to face. His lower lip trembled as he was pulled into a group hug by the two men living in the apartment. For a moment, just a moment, he felt at peace.

When they parted Magnus handed Raphael a mug of warm blood as he sat down opposite Alec and his boyfriend. They knew how important this day would be for all their lives. 

Surprisingly Alec was the first to speak up and break the silence. 

"You love him... Don't you?" Alec whispered, lifting his eyes to meet Raphael's.

Raphael breath hitched in his throat. I guess telling the truth wouldn't kill him. Besides, he was already dead.

**_Don't want to, but I can't put, nobody else above you._ **

"Yeah. I do. I really do." Raphael replied, catching Magnus' smirk.

"Alec you owe me fifty bucks." Magnus said with a proud voice.

Raphael felt awful. He just told Alec that he's in love with his sister's fiancée. Dios, how embarrassing.

"Don't feel bad Raphael. I was waiting for you to plan to save Simon from the biggest mistake he will ever make." Alec assured him.

Raphael froze. Wait. What did Alec just say?

"I know it sounds bad me saying that but it's the truth. Simon isn't the same either and after Jace and Clary found their happy ever after it hit him hard as he knew he'd never truly get that. Not after he betrayed you. Izzy and him grew closer over the years as he had nobody else and I know that Izzy would give her freedom as an independent and powerful woman up to ease Simon's pain. And that's what she's trying to do. Simon has had no one since he betrayed you and he was slowly dying from loneliness. He is a stubborn little bugger and I don't know how you stand him but he still believes you hate him. He doesn't know about your feelings for him. He thinks he's worthless." Alec sighed, squeezing Magnus' hand as he spoke.

"He's not worthless. He's worth more to me than the Sun. He is my Sun." Raphael mumbled, blushing furiously.

That earned a chorus of awwwwwwes from the couple sitting in front of him. He needed to get his feelings off his chest. He'd been holding them in for too long.

"I love every little thing about him. The little things. Like how he'd always bring me blood when I was in a bad mood and how he still acted like such a mundane. I used to pretend I hated him being around and I thought I did until... Until he wasn't there anymore. All these years I missed his hazel eyes, warm like cocoa. And his perfectly smooth and pale face shining like heavenly light. Gosh how I miss him. I forgave him the moment he left that day. I know why he did it. But it physically hurt me when I heard he'd moved on." Raphael begun, flicking his eye contact between the pair before settling on Magnus when he spoke next.

"Magnus you told me I'd find love and I never believed you. But the truth is I did. I found Simon. However I will never love again. That boy left my life and left a hole in my heart along with it. A Simon shaped hole. He broke down my walls with a laugh, he softened my heart with his voice and he captured my love with a smile I'll never again see." He whispered, smiling solemnly.

"Why do you think that? You will see him again." Alec replied, Magnus nodding in agreement.

"I don't know Sheldon very well but if he made you feel this happy you should never give up. A good old prickly friend of ours told me that and look at me now. I have a beautiful boyfriend and a precious little blueberry... Your nephew. So believe me when I say true love is worth fighting for." Magnus said, sincerity in his voice.

  ** _I hate you, I love you. I hate that I want you._**

"But I'm not worth it. He doesn't want me. And if I remember right he's straight! Besides why would he want a demon when he could have an angel." Raphael sighed.

"You will never know the truth until you see for yourself. If you don't go tonight you will regret it for the rest of your life. Don't make that mistake." Alec whispered, subconsciously linking hands with Magnus.

_**You want her, you** **need her. And I'll never be her.** _

Raphael stood up abruptly. They were right. If he didn't find out the truth it would haunt him forever. He knew what he had to do.

Without warning the others he raced out of the apartment and within a few moments he was back in his room at The DuMort trying to figure out what to wear.

'I'm coming Simon.' He thought as he picked out a suit, the same one Simon wore to Alec's wedding that never really happened, 'and no one is going to stop me.'

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey lovelies! Sorry this took ages to go up. Thanks for the love and support and please leave your feedback xx


	3. One last time.

**All alone I watch you watch her, like she's the only girl you've ever seen.**

It can't be happening. It can't be real. Raphael didn't know what he was doing. Or what he was going to say. All that mattered was seeing Simon's face one last time. Seeing his smile one last time. Hearing his sweet laugh one last time. But he knew he didn't want anything about Simon to be for the last time. He wanted the happy ever after people get in movies. But then again, they're just movies after all.

**You don't care you never did. You don't give a damn about me.**

Raphael never thought that an oak door could be so terrifying. But when such an important event is taking place behind that door you have a good reason to be scared. For him, the church bells weren't sweet at all but rather a continuous ringing in his ears, reminding him of what he had to lose. He had a lot to lose. And it was now or never. But never wasn't an option if he ever wanted to be happy. 

**Yeah all alone I watch you watch her, she is the only thing you ever see.**

He didn't know why he was hesitating. He had never been so nervous. Oh why was he so nervous? Raphael continued to pace outside the church hall when suddenly a loud and spine-chilling whisper like voice drift through the air.

"It is time for Simon Lewis to mark Isabelle Lightwood with a wedded union rune and Isabelle Lightwood to present Simon Lewis with a wedded union ring. A rune on the hand, a rune on the heart. A union is born." 

No they can't be at that part yet. He had to do it now otherwise it would be too late. Okay here goes.

Within a moment Raphael slammed open the doors and just stared at the alter where Simon, Isabelle, Clary, Alec and Brother Zachariah were standing. Suddenly it was as if the past five years of pain, self destruction and loneliness had melted away at the sight of his face.

**How is it you never notice. That you are slowly killing me.**

Simon. Never had Raphael ever seen anything as beautiful as Simon standing there in a golden suit, hair perfectly tousled. Never had Raphael ever seen anything as devastating as Simon's face of shock and pain from his position beside the altar. Never had Raphael been more scared.

There amongst the silence he heard the unsteady beat of Simon's heart as there eyes locked.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys sorry for the cliffhanger :) I'm sorry this chapter is so short but I wanted leave a bit of suspense for you all. I'm planning to do two more chapters but there may be more. Let me know if you'd be interested in that and please leave kudos and comments <3


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